Bless the… cartoon beasts

A friend of mine, at least I thought he was my friend, sent me the link to a Web site a couple of weeks ago. I should have known better when he wrote, “What fresh slice of hell is this?”
But I’m a sucker. I visited, I explored, I’ll never sleep again.

Purportedly a Christian site for kids, the designers used colorful, friendly looking animals to engage young minds. Engage them in what, I don’t know. All I know is they publish a top secret online newsletter, and each month they e-mail registered users a password so they can read it.
You are greeted on the home page by the site’s furry mascot. His head spins around as he (?) screams, not unlike a scene out of the 70’s hit horror flick, “The Exorcist.”

Despite the fact that numerous teens submitted art to the site, the impression I got was the worst thing you could do is drink coffee. It didn’t mention caffeine, just coffee. Is this the new gateway drug? There are lots of worse things kids could do, trust me - I was one. The day my kids decide to rebel by knocking back a few cups of Joe, believe me, I’ll be driving them to Dunkin’ Donuts myself. In Arizona. On a tricycle, if necessary.

At best, the messages on the site are confusing. The overall theme that is going to become a problem for future standardized test-takers are those revolving around “science facts” on the site. For instance, the world is less than 10,000 years old; dinosaurs (not just today’s reptiles) still roam the earth; Neanderthals were humans with abnormal bone growth due to very advanced age and flood-cloud related rickets; tyrannosaurus Rex was an herbivore (so the ark’s passengers were safe from harm); and my personal favorite, “Fossils are the buried remains of the wicked men and animals that perished 4,000 years ago in the Flood."

The submissions to the kids art section reflect the confusion these messages create. There’s a picture of kids in a boat. Above them it reads, “Jesus is my anchor.” I was really touched, until I saw Jesus with a chain around his neck begin dragged behind the boat.

Another picture paints all scientists as coffee-swilling atheists who are to be distrusted and avoided at all costs. There also are pictures of hip-hop Jesus and Jesus riding t-Rex to Jerusalem. (Well, I guess if anyone could, it would be Him.) I missed that chapter in Bible study in my years at Sunday school. It must have been those two or three weeks I was out with chicken pox.

The most interesting thing about the kids’ drawings is that all depictions of the devil somehow resemble cats. I have two, El Gato Diablo Numero Uno and El Gato Diablo Numero Dos. I think I can safely say this perception is right on the money: Cats ARE born from hell.

The children’s craft activities are yet another feature of this site. There’s the creation professor’s factoidamajig that dispenses contradictory “science” information and a mascot-dressing activity. Personally, I was torn between the atheist action figure and the crucifixion nail: “Make a nail just like the ones used by Romans to crucify our Lord. A thought-provoking project that will impress upon your children the suffering that Jesus went through on their behalf. Makes a great Christmas ornament! CAUTION: Pointy edges. Not for children under 5.”

I printed out the atheist action figure. I found a creative genius far more patient and talented than I to put the thing together, and it still nearly took an act of God to complete it.

Reprinted courtesy Eagle Newspapers, Syracuse, New York.