The eastern bluebird: the New York State conspiracy?

You can’t move more than three inches anywhere in Madison County without running into an event centered around bluebirds. Where you find bluebird activities, the wily John Rogers of Brewerton is not far behind.

Rogers is a “bluebird expert” from Oswego County, and he travels all over Central New York teaching people about “bluebird habitat” and how to build “bluebird nesting boxes.”

Rogers was also fundamental in establishing the North American Bluebird Society. He is an unbelievably kind gentleman who patiently works with people of all ages, repeatedly answering the same questions over and over again.

The operative word is ‘unbelievable.’

I have lived in Upstate New York a few days shy of 26 years now, and have heard “New York state bird” this and “bluebird” that. Yet, in all that time, and despite my REALLY looking for them, I have never, ever actually laid eyes on a bluebird. I stopped alongside the road at every little wooden box for years, some of which even bear a New York State seal beneath them, to find NOTHING.

This can only mean one thing: it’s a conspiracy. Only after launching an exhaustive investigation into the matter did I find out how deep this thing goes.

First there are the workshops. For a small, uniform fee, workshop participants can build a bluebird house. These events usually are free, to lure unwary environmentally conscious individuals into listening to the free information. Once there, they almost always go along with the crowd, shell over their money and start hammering.

But the houses weren’t bringing in enough dough, and our green-friendly consumers were getting suspicious when blue flying objects failed to appear around birdie condos. THEY brought in reinforcements.

Landscape architects were brought in to convince the bluebird-less box-builders that the homes, though lovely as they were, couldn’t attract the birds on their own. Special botanical support was required, and the landscape architects were only too happy to develop a list of bountiful bushes, scrumptious shrubs and tasty trees on which the little blue guys could feast.
Still they didn’t show.

Enter the “society.” Actually, now there are several.

These societies have come up with bluebird nesting box instructions that would make explosives-handlers cringe. The architectural renderings for these structures make those for the Sears Tower pale by comparison.

They must be exactly this size, this shape, this thickness and this color. The entrance must be X far from the floor and precisely Y in diameter. Failure to comply with any of these specifications will result in bluebird absentia.

As if all this isn’t enough to scare off the faint-of-heart, now come the monitoring instructions.
Basically, nesting box builders are to build these absolutely flawless dwellings and place them in remote areas where it is near impossible to see them. Then they are ordered to monitor them.
Monitoring involves weekly bird-home invasions to make sure no interlopers have usurped the residence. Of course there are interlopers, because there’s no such thing as the Eastern bluebird.

These societies have gone to great lengths in describing the characteristics of bluebird nests against those of the potential invaders. “Box monitors” have to physically open each bluebird abode and make sure what they see is evidence of bluebird inhabitation and not another evil flying object.

Finally, the bluebird home developer is supposed to build trails of these tweetie-townhouses that need to be meticulously cared for at least weekly.

There’s no point in trying to get the state involved in any kind of investigation, because they have given the conspiracy their stamp of approval.

Great Swamp Conservancy Executive Director Michael Patane swears he has bluebirds living on the GSC property, and he is so emphatic, I believe he’s really convinced himself it’s true. I’m sure the “societies” must be throwing some greenbacks his way to keep him hosting these box-building workshops.

Well, the Spring Migration Festival at the GSC is coming up soon, and I plan to put up a camera and put an end to all this nonsense once and for all. In the meantime, the emperors should all get dressed because I’m onto them.

Reprinted courtesy Eagle Newspapers, Syracuse, New York.