Reality TV Shows I'd Like to See

I’m not much of a television fan, but I listen to a lot of radio and read an awful lot of news on the Web, and you can’t avoid being bombarded by the latest reality TV programs. I understand there about a zillion out there now, and even TV producers can’t accurately report how many they are running at any given time.

“Have you seen ‘My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Boss?’” a friend asked me recently.

“I don’t know what does he or she look like?” I responded.

“No, it’s a new reality TV show.”

Well, of course it is. I heard the ad and thought it was a joke.

“I thought it was a joke,” I said.

She said it was obnoxious. I said at least they were honest with the title, and I deal with enough obnoxious people every day. I don’t need to watch them on TV. That being said, and never having seen more than a few minutes of any RTV program, I’ve developed a few pitches for programs that might get – and keep – me watching.

Blindfolded surgery

Surgeons would vie for The Golden Scalpel and $100 million in this macabre makeover of the old party favorite, “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” Patients would be properly diagnosed before going under the knife; only the treatment is rendered blindly. The process is not unlike modern-day HMO policies or the federal budget process.

Willing volunteers for a show of this caliber might be difficult to find, until they understand they will be anesthetized. The anesthesiologist will not be blindfolded. Surgeons may hone their skills by turning off operatory lights for a few weeks before the big day. No interns or residents need apply.

Patients who volunteer for Blindfolded Surgery may appear on its sister program, “The Darwin Awards – Live!”

The Darwin Awards – Live!

This is “live” as in “Regis and Kelly,” not “One Life to….” The title of this program is something of an irony, as Darwin Award winners must perish from by the stupidest means possible in order to be eligible for the honor. Some re-enactment may be necessary. Re-enactors may be recruited from survivors of Blindfolded Surgery.

Those with children not eligible, as they already have failed to remove their genes from the proverbial “pool.”

Going for Broke

High six-figure income earners will provide laughs-a-million in the rollicking hijinks of this riches-to-rags saga. GFB follows the adventures of the world’s corporate elite as they circumnavigate the universe of a minimum-wage earner.

Contestants, a savvy bunch of business and legal negotiators, will opt for participate in GFB in lieu of the trip to federal prison they desperately deserve. A word of caution, though, for eager applicants: The corrections system guarantees food, clothing, shelter, recreation, health and dental care, education, ‘round-the-clock security and even some counseling as part of its program. With your new salary, you might be able to afford whichever of those things is most important to YOU and your family.

Contestants will be dropped by limousine at the inner city shelter of their choice. They may not call on family or friends to help them out during their year-long stint. Losers forfeit 95 percent of their net worth to the five charities listed on their applications.

Winners may return to their jobs and previous lives, though if your business survived your 12-month absence, you probably weren’t real vital to the operation, and the board of directors should fire you immediately.

RTV producers looking for more information about contestant qualifications, contest rules, proposed prizes or marketing plans may contact me at the office. Don’t be hurt if I haven’t heard of you (or your programs, for that matter).

Reprinted courtesy of Eagle Newspapers, Syracuse, New York.